Scooby Doo Meets The Phantom Of Youswell
by HakurosMeatyLover
Summary: When the ghost of a long-dead alchemist is haunting the Youswell mines, Lt. Yoki calls in the Mystery Machine crew to help! But there's more to this case than meets the eye, and it won't be an easy one to crack, especially without Velma or Scooby...
1. 15,26897

It's 10 a.m. in a hotel in Boston. A large, muscular man with blonde hair was fast asleep next to a skinny, fiery redheaded girl with the most impressive of bosoms. Their names are Fred and Daphne. Neither of them were wearing clothes. They had spent the night making raunchy, passionate love.

Suddenly, a ringing sound comes from the nightstand. Fred's cell phone is going off. Fred groans, swings his arm out from the bed and grabs the phone. He sits up groggily and holds the phone to his head. "Fred Jones, Mystery Machine, Inc. If we can't solve it, it's not a mystery. What do you want?" He stands up while talking, rubbing his head due to the massive hangover he has, and starts to pull on his clothes. Daphne is still asleep.

The man on the other end of the line says, "Yes, sir, my name is Lt. Yoki. I run a coal mining corporation in a town called Youswell. Lately a lot of our miners haven't been coming into work because they claim there's, um, well-"

Fred sighed. "A phantom?" he asked exasperatedly, while examining Daphne's naked, sleeping body lustfully, proud of his trophy.

Yoki said, "Yes, I guess you could say that. They claim to see the ghost of a man called Shou Tucker, and they appear to be too frightened by him to work."

Fred, sitting down with his forehead in his hand, said, "Listen, Yoki, I get about fifty calls like this every day, alright? Tell me why I should give half a fuck about your phantom. I don't even know where Youswell is; why should I go that far when there are people willing to pay me to get rid of their phantoms and shit a few miles down the road?"

Yoki was taken aback. He had expected such a question, so he knew how to respond, but had expected it to be phrased a bit more delicately. Fred, Yoki thought, was much more abrasive than the advertisements for MM, Inc. had lead him to believe. "Well, um, like I said, I'm the head of the coal mining corporation. This entire town is miners, you see - miners, with an E, not an O - so I get quite a bit of money. And if you can help my corporation out, I can make it very much worth your while... How does $15,268.97 sound?"

This got Fred interested. Fifteen thousand two hundred sixty eight dollars and ninety seven cents? That was much more than he'd ever gotten for just one phantom! "That sounds very good... All right, we'll check it out. Tell me a bit more about this Shou Tucker. Why is he haunting your coal mine?"

"Well," Yoki began, "He was an alchemist several years back, you see. He performed.. horrible experiments. Awful, really, so bad that we had to have him executed for what he did to his wife, daughter, and dog. He was executed here in Youswell, you see, and I guess he's just haunting the coal mine as a sort of revenge because he knows it's our chief source of revenue."

"Makes sense.. Alright. Fax me directions to get from Boston to Youswell and I'll get my team out there later today," Fred promised.

"Excellent! I'll send over directions now," said Yoki. "Thank you so much." And they hung up.

Fred walked over to Daphne, who was still asleep and naked in bed. He poked her nipple just once, saying "Ding dong!" as if it were a doorbell, to wake her. She jumped back a bit, startled, but then started giggling. "I told you not to do that anymore, Freddie! What's up?"

"You know you love it," Fred said suavely. "Well, we got a case. Some dead guy who killed his family is haunting a mining town or something, it doesn't really matter. Here's what matters, though. Guess how much money he's going to give us for it? It's more than we've probably earned in the last year combined, we wouldn't have to stay in these shitbag motels anymore even."

"Hmmm..." Daphne said. "Seven thousand six hundred thirty four dollars and forty eight cents?" she guessed.

"Hah!" Fred laughed. "Try twice that amount, baby. He's going to give us a whole fifteen thousand two hundred sixty eight dollars and ninety seven cents for this case!" Daphne gasped. "Babe, we could do so much with that money. But here's the thing. I don't want to split it three-way with Shag like we usually do, alright? So let's tell him we're just getting a standard amount like $2400, give him 800 bucks so he thinks it's a third, and then we split the rest of it between the two of us."

Daphne giggled. "Ooh, Fred, you naughty boy! That's such a snakey plan I think it deserves a spanking."

So she took out the paddle and they made sweet love, never once ceasing to giggle about the fortune that was soon to be bestowed upon them that Shaggy would never know about.


	2. In Memoriam

It's now noon. A tall, thin man with a tangled mess of facial hair and a mat of unkempt brown hair upon his head is standing in a graveyard in Boston with a half-empty bottle in one hand and a bag in the other, sobbing over a grave that reads "Scooby 'Dooby' Doo. Dog, crimefighter, uncle, friend. We will never forget you."

"Oh, god, Scoob.." Shaggy sniffed out, wiping his nose on his messy, stained green shirt. "It's just not fair, Scoob! Why'd you cross the street, Scoob? I told you that a van was coming, I told you! But you didn't listen and now you're gone!" Fred sobbed even harder, reaching into the bag in his left hand and eating a few Scooby Snacks in memory. They weren't enough of a pick-me-up to stop him sobbing, but they at least kept him from drinking or getting too high most of the time.

A familiar Sublime tune rang out from Shaggy's right pocket. He threw the half-empty beer bottle onto Scooby's grave in frustration and answered his phone. "What is it, Fred? Trying to visit Scooby's grave..." he said, holding back sobs.

Fred answered, "We've got another case, Shag. A mining town called Youswell, some alchemist ghost is haunting their mine. So sober up and get over here, got it?"

Shaggy said into the phone in tears, "Why the hell should I? Scooby died just a week ago, I need time to get better! Who cares about their phantom, we lost Scooby! I thought we had the worst of it a few years back when Velma hung herself, but this is the worst, man! Rock bottom."

Fred mimed overexaggerated sobbing movements to Daphne who giggled, but pretended to comfort Shaggy, saying, "Come on, man, don't talk like that. Would Scooby want you to go this long just getting wasted by his grave eating dog treats? No! He'd want you to get out and do what he spent his life doing, solving mysteries. So get to the motel and let's solve us a mystery for Scoob, eh? You gotta start again some time."

Shaggy wiped his nose on his shirt once more and pounded down a few Scooby Snacks, and said, "Yeah, you're right. Thanks, man. I'll be there in a few. Peace." He hung up and walked past the grave next to Scooby's, a smaller grave which read "Scrabby Doo". It had no flowers on it. He exited the graveyard and walked in the direction of the motel.

Within about ten minutes he was outside the motel and saw Fred and Daphne there waiting for him. "You ready, then?" Fred said, and Shaggy nodded. He climbed into the Mystery Machine and Fred drove into driver's seat. They drove to the local airport, and boarded the first plane for Youswell. Shaggy fell asleep on the plane watching Wizard of Oz on his iPod while listening to Pink Floyd, and Fred whispered to Daphne, "Just a day or two, baby, and it'll all be ours!"

She giggled and whispered, "$15,268.97! It'll all be ours, Freddie!" She kissed him on the cheek and they giggled. After a few hours, the plane landed in Youswell.


	3. Enter: The Phantom!

Shaggy, Fred and Daphne all got off of the plane and left the airport. Climbing into the Mystery Machine, they all drove into Youswell. When they reached the Youswell Mining Corporation, they got out and saw Lt. Yoki standing before them. He was a short man and skeletally thin. He had large round glasses, and an incredbly long nose. He was wearing blue jeans and a sweater vest, dark green with lime green stripes. He had very little hair, and that which was there was brown and the strands spread out every which way. He looked incredibly nervous, twiddling his thumbs and constantly looking around.

The gang approached him. Fred reached out to shake his hand. "Fred Jones, we spoke on the phone, remember?"

Yoki jumped back a bit, startled, but then regained his composure. "Oh, erm, yes. Hello. Lt. Yoki." He extended his arm and shook Fred's hand. "So, yes, please do take a look around and see if you see the spirit or whatever it is you usually do. We really need to get that thing gone so that the miners can go back to work."

Daphne said breathily, "I like your sweater vest, Mr. Yoki. It's very..." She ran her finger once across his chest. "...sensual." Yoki, a very excitable man, passed out immediately. She reached her hand into his pocket, took out his wallet, and emptied it of all its money which she then put into her own wallet. She laughed and said, "Works every time on the dorky guys. Anyways, let's get looking for this phantom, shall we?"

The gang went into the mine. They walked down a long, narrow passageway. Surrounded by black coal on all sides, the passage they were walking along was very dark. The only light came from lightbulbs that hung on wires on the ceiling every twenty feet or so. After they walked for about five minutes, they heard moaning.

"Like, what was that?" asked Shaggy, jumping a bit. "Scoob, did you hear-" he stopped mid-sentence, realizing what he was saying, and collapsed on the floor, wailing about Scooby.

"Shaggy, shut up!" Fred demanded. "I hear something moaning, it could be the phantom." Shaggy suppressed his cries. The moaning grew closer and louder. Soon a chill enveloped all three of the gang, and the moaning became a cold voice.

_"Turn back... Leave this place..." _a slow, low voice implored them.

"Like, no way, man! We've never left for a phantom before, and we're not going to now!" Shaggy exclaimed. The old thrill of hunting phantoms made him forget all about Scooby.

"Who are you? Show yourself!" Fred demanded.

"_As you wish.." _the low voice said. Slowly in front of them, the glowing figure of a large man appeared. He was very heavy set and rather tall, with glasses and balding hair.

"Who are you?" Daphne asked a bit nervously.

"_I am Shou Tucker... I was once the life-binding alchemist. I did transmutations the world has never seen. I sacrificed my family in the name of science for all mankind, but the public didn't understand my work and put me to death. I now roam this coal mine, determined to exact revenge upon those who executed me... It is a lonely existence and I am a lonely alchemist, but I have no choice, I must make the people who executed me for my work pay. Leave this coal mine now, or you too shall suffer the fate of those who tried to stand up to me!" _The ghost of Shou Tucker pointed behind him to a stack of skeletons.

"Zoinks!" Shaggy exclaimed, jumping backwards as Daphne uttered a similar cry of "Jinkies!".

"_All of these people were coal miners who tried to stay in the mine when I demanded they leave.. You have five seconds to turn back or else!"_ The gang didn't need that command repeated, and immediately turned around, sprinting from the cave. This case, it appeared, was not going to be an easy one.


	4. The Lust Of Shou Tucker

The Mystery Machine gang sprinted away from Shou Tucker down the passageway they'd entered through, past a large wooden canoe, and out of the entrance of the cave. Lt. Yoki had apparently come to as he was standing there when they exited, sweater vest and all.

"Oh, hello! Did you manage to catch that phantom?" Lt. Yoki inquired.

"Like, no way man!" shouted Shaggy breathlessly, hiding behind Velma who glared at him with a look of utter revulsion as if he were a sewer rat. "He came up and spooked us right out of our wits, and we had to dash out of there!"

"Oh, well, that's no good," said Lt. Yoki. "If you want your money, then you'll have to do better than that!"

"We'll catch him, Yoki, don't worry," said Fred. "We just need to come up with some sort of plan... Yoki, what all can you tell us about Shou Tucker? We need to know how to trick his phantom, and finding out what he was like when he was alive could be just the trick."

"Well, that makes sense," said Yoki. "Erm, let's see. Well he was one of the most prolific alchemists in the world for a while. He was very popular, particularly with the lady folk, and he pioneered many important alchemic techniques that saved very many lives. But then he got too ambitious for his own good. He killed his wife and made his daughter alchemy-bang her dog to form something called a chimera. When that went public he was put to death. And that's about it."

"God, I wish Velma hadn't hung herself, selfish bitch," Fred muttered under his breath. "Can't work out a plan worth shit from that. You said he was popular with the lady folk?"

"Oh, yes, very," said Lt. Yoki. "Real womanizer, that Shou Tucker, he was never faithful to his wife. Even besides the murder, I mean. Being such a famous alchemist got him an awful lot of attention, you know, and naturally he could have gotten any woman he wanted. Could have and did, come to think of it. Whenever he saw an attractive woman, he went for it. He invented the Old Alchemy Persuasion Chant but never had to use it. Yes, if there's one thing Shou Tucker loved more than anything, it was a nice pair of breasts."

By this point, Fred and Shaggy were both already staring at Daphne, who looked very awkward and uncomfortable.

"What? Why are you both looking at me?" she asked. "What's going on?"

"I think we've found our bait," Fred said with a grin.


	5. The Strutting Of Daphne Blake

"No!" Daphne exclaimed, clutching her breasts. "You can't use me as bait! I won't let you!"

"Like, come on, Daph! We need you to!" Shaggy said.

"Think of those poor mining people," Fred insisted. "Think of all those skeletons we saw in the mine, you don't want any other people to end up like that.. do you?"

"I don't care!" shouted Daphne. "I'm not going to put myself on the line for them! I could lose my life - or, worse, my virginity!" Shaggy snorted with laughter at the idea of her being a virgin.

"Think about the money we'll make, if nothing else," Fred said.

This made Daphne pause. "Hmm... Well, alright. I guess the money is worth it. What exactly are we going to do, Freddie?"

"Well, here's what I'm thinking. You walk on ahead of us into the tunnel and draw a transmutation circle on the ground-"

"What's a transmutation circle?" asked Daphne.

"Like, even I know that!" said Shaggy. "It's a-"

"I didn't ask YOU!" Daphne snapped. "Freddie, what's a transmutation circle?"

"Well babe, it's a pattern that I'll show you. If you draw one on the ground and a phantom, ghost or ghoul steps into it, then it can't step out," explained Fred. "So you'll walk ahead of us into the tunnel and draw one on the ground. Then stand around for a bit until Shou Tucker comes, try to draw his attention. Tell him that you came alone and just wanted to see him again, flirt with him however much you have to to get him to step inside of that circle. Then as soon as he steps into the transmutation circle, run outside of it and he'll be trapped!"

"Ooh, that's a great plan, Freddie! Alright, I'll do it!" Daphne said.

"Like, we should probably wait until tomorrow, though," said Shaggy. "If we go back in there too soon, he'll probably get suspicious."

"That's true, Shaggy. Alright, so tomorrow we'll send Daphne in there and she'll catch the phantom," Fred said. The three of them all set off to go to the Mystery Machine. They climbed inside it, Shaggy in the back and Fred and Daphne in the trunk.

"Like, how much are we getting paid for this case anyway?" asked Shaggy.

Daphne responded, "Oh, um.. $2400 dollars, I think, right Freddie?"

"That's right, 2400 dollars exactly," said Fred, winking to Daphne. "So that's eight hundred for each of us."

"Cool," said Shaggy. "Sounds good." Fred and Daphne giggled to each other, quiet enough that he couldn't hear. Their plan was set. Poor Shaggy wouldn't get his money's worth, and a grand total of $14468.97 would be split between Fred and Daphne. He would have no idea.

The next morning, like most other mornings, Fred, Daphne and Shaggy all woke up. Like most recent mornings, Velma and Scooby did not. Unlike most mornings, however, Daphne was about to seduce the fuck out of an alchemist's dead spirit. The threesome exited the Mystery Machine.

"Alright, gang, let's do this," said Fred. They walked in sync towards the entrance to the mine, where Lt. Yoki was once again standing waiting for them. Fred said, "Lt. Yoki, we've got a plan and we're going to catch your phantom!"

Yoki responded, "Yes, Fred, I'm aware. I was standing there when you came up with it last night. Just because I didn't have any dialogue doesn't mean I wasn't there, you know!"

"Oh, right, sorry," Fred said bashfully, his ears going magenta.

Yoki laughed and said, "Nah, it's fine bro. Anyways, I'm happy to hear about your plan and it'll work perfectly, I'm sure! Daphne, go on in there and seduce that phantom!"

Daphne unbuttoned her top a bit, and strutted on into the coal mine.


	6. The Phantom Cometh

Daphne walked along the narrow passageway she'd been down the day before. As she walked further and further away from the entrance, she got scared. What if the transmutation circle didn't work and Shou Tucker violated her - or, worse, what if he didn't find her attractive? All these thoughts raced through her mind. But the thought of fifteen thousand two hundred sixty eight dollars and ninety seven cents entered her mind, and gave her enough courage to keep on walking.

Eventually, she reached the spot where Shou Tucker had encountered them before. She bent down and picked up a stick, then quietly started to draw a transmutation circle into the sand with it, looking up occasionally to make sure Shou wasn't sneaking up on her. But he was nowhere to be found. When she finished the circle, she stood up.

"Oh, Shou!" she called out. "Where are you, you big hunk of disembodied translucent spiritual being?" She whistled.

Soon, a familiar chill crept up her spine and she heard a low, deep voice call out, _"Who goes there?"_

"It's me, Shou! Daphne from yesterday, remember?"

Shou's voice called out harshly, _"I do... Why have you returned after I told you to never come back?"_

Daphne was frightened but the thought of her reward, fifteen thousand two hundred sixty eight dollars and ninety seven cents (fourteen thousand four hundred sixty eight dollars and ninety seven cents after Shaggy got his eight hundred dollars and zero cents, of course), allowed her to summon just enough courage to reply, "Well, silly, isn't it obvious? I came to see you... I just couldn't get enough of your pale, vibrant glow yesterday and I had to come back! Show yourself, cutie."

And he did. Shou's ghost materialized in front of her. Daphne said breathily, "There we go! Your glasses are so sexy, Shou..."

_"Why thank you.. You aren't so bad yourself. You look so..." _He stared at her ass, as if searching for the right word. _"...juicy. Meaty."_

Daphne giggled. "Step a little closer, Shou. Let me give you a kiss." Shou's ghost floated closer to her, unaware that it had just entered a transmutation circle, and its arms reached out to embrace her.

Immediately, Daphne cackled and jumped a few feet back. "Fooled you!"

_"What do you mean, my meaty lover?" _Shou asked sadly.

"Look down." Daphne pointed at the transmutation circle below Shou's feet, laughing. "This was just a trap! Who would find YOU attractive, you old, dead fatass? You're trapped in a transmutation circle and now my mystery crew is gonna destroy you!" She laughed even harder.

Shou Tucker's ghost looked down, and replied, _"A transmutation circle? How elementary."_ He began to laugh as well. Daphne looked puzzled.

"Why are you laughing?" she replied, nervous that her trap wasn't going to work. Shou Tucker's ghost merely laughed and shook his head. He snapped his fingers, and Daphne immediately became immobilized. Shou Tucker's ghost slowly floated towards her, out of the transmutation circle. Daphne attempted to scream but could not move her mouth. Her looks and smile had now become her curse.

_"Now you're the one who's trapped.." _Shou laughed. He floated up to her and licked her lips. _"Mmmm..." _he moaned, reaching his ghostly arms behind her back, up her shirt, and began to unhook her bra.


	7. Enter: The BASSIST!

After Shou Tucker's ghost had finished and disappeared, Daphne just stood there for a moment, pondering all that had happened. Ectoplasm was dripping down her leg, giving her an odd chilling sensation. The inside of her clam was quivering and tingling as if it had just gotten a bit of a nasty shock. She then sprinted out of the coal mine as fast as she could to get away.

When she reached the entrance, Fred said to her, "Hey, Daph! Did you get him trapped in a transmutation circle?" But Daphne didn't reply, she just stood there shaking.

"Like, what's the matter, Daphne?" asked Shaggy. "Did you get hurt?"

_"...gho... ghoray..."_ she managed to stammer out.

"Gho ray? That doesn't make sense, Daph.. What happened in there?" Fred was worried. "What are you trying to say?"

_"gho.. stray.. ptme..."_

Fred was puzzled. "Gho stray ptme? Ghostrayptme.. Wait. Are you trying to say 'ghost raped me'?" Daphne nodded deliriously. Shaggy, Fred and Lt. Yoki all had looks of the utmost revulsion, as if they'd just walked in on Velma making sweet, precious love to a cucumber. Fred's look, however, quickly turned into one of unbridled rage, so much so that even Wrath himself would quiver in his boots.

"He RAPED you? Shou TUCKER did?" Fred shouted. Meekly, Daphne nodded. "That BITCH!" shouted Fred. "I'll kill him, I'll kill his ass so hard that it'll die a second time!" He began to sprint towards the cave.

"Fred, no!" Shaggy sprinted after him and grabbed him. Fred screamed at Shaggy to let go of him. "Like, if you go in there then he'll just hurt you too! We need to just come up with another plan!" Fred now ran at Lt. Yoki.

"WHY DIDN'T YOUR TRANSMUTATION CIRCLE IDEA WORK?" he screamed, shaking Yoki.

"I.. I don't know!" Lt. Yoki exclaimed, choosing not to mention that the transmutation circle idea had been Fred's idea entirely. "If he's a ghost, then it should have worked perfectly!"

"Well, it didn't!" Fred threw Yoki on the ground. "So now what the hell are we supposed to do, huh? If a transmutation circle won't work, then nothing will, and that mean-"

Suddenly, an interruption interrupted. Fred's voice was halted by a musical note. He had been interrupted by the strum of a bass guitar. All three of Fred, Yoki, and Shaggy turned to look at the source of the interruption. A tall, beautiful man with raven-black hair was holding a bass guitar and taking a drag on a cigarette.

"So, you need to beat this phantom?" The man let out one long puff. "Believe I can help you there, I've fought a lot of things in my day..."

"Like, who are you?" Shaggy inquired inquisitively.

The man replied, "Name's Roy. Roy Mustang."


	8. Roy Mustang

PREVIOUSLY, ON - SCOOBY DOO MEETS THE PHANTOM OF YOUSWELL!

"Name's Roy. Roy Mustang."

Present time:

Yoki gasped. "Mr. Mustang! It's been ever so long-"

"Shut your mouth, Yoki," Roy interrupted. "You know I don't like the way you run this place and I want nothing to do with you. What I do want to do with, however, is those mystery kids. I've heard all about the ghost of Shou Tucker haunting this place, but..." Roy took another drag on his cigarette. "If what you're saying is true and it apparently didn't stop in the middle of the transmutation circle, then it might very well not be a ghost at all."

"What do you mean?" Fred asked.

"Well, it's kind of complicated.." Roy pulled out another cigarette, snapped his fingers and alchemized it so that it was lit. "..but if you in the green shirt could take a walk with me, then I think I can explain." Shaggy looked surprised.

"Like, why do you want to go for a walk with me?"

"To explain this phantom and what I think is going on. It's complicated, like I said, and I'd rather not stay within... present company for too long," Mustang explained, glancing at Lt. Yoki. "I'd much rather just go for a walk and discuss it."

"Well, why can't I come?" demanded Fred indignantly with indignant indignation.

"A big, strong man like you should be there for his girl in a time like this, now shouldn't he?" Mustang pointed at Daphne who was now quivering on the ground.

"Oh, right... Alright, Shag. I'll stay here and comfort Daphne, you go and scope out this Roy guy and see what you can learn," Fred said.

Mustang scoffed. "Fred, I've heard you were rather controlling and arrogant, and the grapevine doesn't lie. Let's hit it, Shaggy." Mustang led Shaggy away from Fred who was taken aback, an affronted and nervous Lt. Yoki, and Daphne, who was mumbling rather incoherently on the ground about something relating to translucent phalluses as if she were Luna Lovegood.

Mustang and Shaggy were now walking along a road. Mustang was quite a bit taller than Shaggy, putting Shaggy in his shadow quite literally. Shaggy was intimidated by the presence of this man who was clearly, vastly, and immeasurably superior so he had no desire to speak first, but it was quite clear that making Shaggy have this uncomfortable fear of insubordination was entirely Mustang's intent - there was a faint smirk on his face, and he showed no signs of wanting to speak even though it was quite obviously expected of him.

After several minutes, Shaggy spoke. "So, like, Mr. Mustang-"

"Call me Roy." His tone was casual but still had that distinct air of smug superiority, sounding as if he were mildly irritated by Shaggy's formality.

"Roy, then.. What do you think is the deal with this phantom? You said that you, like, think it's something else, right?" Mustang nodded. "So what is it?"

"Well, to be on the safe side I don't want to vocalize my exact suspicions.. But can you tell me exactly what went down in that tunnel when you were in there, and as much as you learned about Shou from Daphne and Yoki?"

Shaggy seemed a bit alarmed at Mustang's requesting him for information. "Well, alright. We went into the tunnel and when we got pretty far in, we heard Shou moaning. And there was, like, a pile of skeletons. And-"

"Skeletons?" Mustang rose his eyebrows.

Shaggy wasn't sure why this was unusual - miners had died, after all. "Yeah, skeletons. A big spooky pile of 'em. And then Shou showed up and basically just told us to leave, so we did."

"Tucker showed himself to you. What did he look like?" inquired Mustang.

"Big guy, glasses-"

"No, no. I know what Shou Tucker himself looks like, I met him when he was alive," Mustang said. "As far as ghostly attributes. Was he floating, walking, translucent, opaque?"

"He was sort of see-through, I think that's translucent. And he was floating above the ground." Mustang made a noncommital "Mmm" noise. "So, like, he spooked us out of there. And then we asked Yoki to tell us everything he knew about the guy, and he basically told us, like, that Shou was a real womanizer. So we decided to use Daphne as bait, and told her to draw a transmutation circle in the ground, lure Shou into it and then leave. But she took a while, then when she ran out, she was really spooked, like, you saw her."

"I see.. That's a lot of information that only serves to confirm what I was thinking." Mustang then said, "I don't suppose there's any possibility that Daphne drew the transmutation circle incorrectly?"

"Not at all, I'm sure she got it perfect."

"I assumed. Well, alright. I think I know how we can catch him, but first - did Yoki explain to you why it was that Tucker commited those horrible acts upon his family?"

"Well, like, not really," Shaggy answered, wondering what this could have to do with the new trap to catch Shou Tucker.

"Well, if people hadn't known what he did or hadn't cared - he was a soulless bastard, he probably thought people would just see what he did as 'advancing science and mankind' or some bullshit - then he would have furthered his career exponentially in what he did with his wife and daughter and dog. I'm assuming you don't know much about alchemy, but he basically combined his daughter and her dog into one being capable of understanding human speech, which had never been done before. That would have gotten him a lot of fame and recognition - more than he already had - and do you know what that means?" Shaggy shook his head. "Above all else, it would have gotten him a huge government grant to do whatever experiments he wanted as a state alchemist. And not a lot of people knew this, but Shou Tucker loved one thing more than girls. People say he was power-hungry, but power had nothing to do with it - with Shou Tucker, it was all about money."

"Money?"

"Money. Money was his major motivation for everything he did. He thought that if he did those experiments on his family then it could lead to him getting a grant, and that's why he did it. Shou Tucker loved money more than anything else in the world - even more, evidently, than his own wife and kid. Money is what motivated him to commit all his atrocities, and that's why I brought this." Mustang pulled out a large, clear bag full of green papers.

Shaggy's face lit up at once. "Is that wee-"

"No. As you can see, these are tons of dollar bills. Now, here's what you need to do. Quietly sneak up into the tunnel, and then put this bag in the area where you found Shou Tucker. Make sure it remains closed at all times. Then just sit back where he can't see you, wait for him to grab the bag, and you'll have him." Shaggy, however, looked a bit dissatisfied with this plan.

"Like, that's it? The bait being money makes sense, but there's no net or circle or anything to catch him? Like, how will we get him? Are you sure this plan will work?"

Mustang smirked. "Trust me, Shaggy. I'm absolutely certain that this plan will catch Shou Tucker. Don't try and lay out any traps and complicate things - just leave the bag in there and stay within eyesight of it, but hide behind something in the tunnel so that he won't see you. And one more thing... Do not, under any circumstances, tell Lt. Yoki about this plan, alright?"

Shaggy was surprised. "Like, why? Do you think that maybe he's in on the phantom's plans?"

Mustang responded, "It's improbable, but it could definitely be a possibility and if he finds out about this plan and is working with Shou Tucker, then I'm certain he'll kill you all. You can't risk that, so just make sure that he doesn't find out about this plan. When you go back to the cave, tell Fred, Daphne and Yoki that I demanded you go in on your own and you'll explain later. If they see the bag, then they'll just assume - if your personality is what I've heard it is - that it's filled with what you thought it was filled with. Still, avoid Lt. Yoki seeing this bag at all costs, just to be safe. Do you understand?"

Shaggy thought for a bit to make sure he was clear on the plan, and then nodded.

"Good," Mustang said. "One last question. Do you happen to know how much Lt. Yoki is going to be paying you for this gig?"

Shaggy replied, "$2400, a pretty standard rate, why?"

Mustang thought for a moment. "Hmm. Well, he's an incredibly rich man so for him that's just peanuts and pennies. He might just be trying to stiff you, but I don't think that he would be arrogant enough to assume he could get away with that, everyone knows he's rich.. No, it's much more likely that you're the one being stiffed here."

"Like, what do you mean?"

"I'll discuss it with you in more detail later. However, when Yoki is giving Fred the money for this job, make sure that you aren't nearby. Afterwards, ask Lt. Yoki how much he paid them. They might be trying to rob you on this one. I doubt it, but it could happen. So do you understand what all you need to do?" Shaggy nodded again. Mustang smirked. "Then get going, tiger." He tossed the bag of cash to Shaggy, who turned around and walked back towards the coal mine.


	9. Shaggy VS The Phantom!

Shaggy eventually reached the entrance of the coal mine. Double-checking that the bag of money was safely hidden in his pocket, he walked towards the threesome of Yoki, Fred and Daphne.

Fred jumped up from Daphne, who was still laying on the ground. "Shaggy! Took you long enough. What all did Roy tell you?"

Holding back the contempt for Fred that he had gained since learning that Fred may have been attempting to rob him, Shaggy replied, "Like, I can't tell you right now. Roy told me a good plan, I'm sure it'll work, don't worry. I have to go in alone, though."

Fred responded with more indignation, "What? Why?"

This calls, Shaggy thought to himself, for improv! "Well, like, obviously Daphne can't go back in there. And Shou saw how close you two were standing when we first met him, and her perfume has probably rubbed off on you right now and stuff. It's just too risky to send in someone who's so close to Daphne, you know?"

Reluctantly, Fred nodded. "That makes sense.. Alright, Shag. Well, be careful, alright? And more importantly, don't screw up."

Lt. Yoki chimed in. "Wait a minute!" he said. "That Mustang is a sketchy character. How do you know you can trust him? He could be working with Shou Tucker! I think we all have a right to know what this plan is!"

Shaggy shook his head. "Like, no way, man. The way he talked about Shou, he hates the guy, there's no way, trust me. And he said that nobody can know about the plan, because..." More improvisation! Shaggy thought to himself. "..Shou Tucker might overhear us discussing it."

Frustrated, Yoki replied, "Well, alright, if you say so. Do be careful, though, I really do need this mine running again..."

"Don't worry, I'll be fine," Shaggy said. He walked away from the threesome while Daphne asked in the distance, "Who was that lady? Was it Alphonse?".

As he entered the mine Shaggy said to himself under his breath, "I feel like Drew Carey or Ryan Stiles or some shit. They ate that right up!". He slowly progressed through the tunnel, listening hard for any signs of Shou Tucker, the dim lightbulbs flickering above him. Once he had gotten far enough that he could no longer hear Daphne's incoherent babbling, though, it was all silence, and Shou Tucker was nowhere to be found. After several minutes of wandering through the tunnel, Shaggy came to a beaten-up canoe resting against the wall, and thought he could make out a pile of skeletons in the distance. _This must be where Shou Tucker was before,_ he thought to himself. That thought was confirmed when he saw a small transmutation circle in the dirt a few yards in front of him.

Slowly and quietly, he crept up and placed the bag of money on the floor, above the transmutation circle just to be safe. He then immediately returned to the canoe and crouched down behind it, concealing himself from view. Within several moments, he heard Shou Tucker's familiar moaning.

_"Who goes there?"_ Shou demanded. He floated in immediately, not waiting like he had before, clearly suspicious of the Mystery gang. Shaggy, however, did not respond. _"There's no hiding.. I know you're here somewhere, I heard you. Are you the blonde tool who was friends with that tender redhead? Or her stoner buddy?"_ Shaggy made no noise in response, not even making the noise or movement to breathe.

Shou then spotted the bag of money atop Daphne's transmutation circle, and laughed loud and hard. _"You thought this money would tempt me? Ha! If the transmutation circle didn't work the first time, then it won't work now, you fools.. I'm going to grab this bag of money just to show you that your plans are foolish! And then I'll go right up behind that canoe, and slit the throat of whichever fool's foot is poking out from behind it!"_ Shaggy looked and gasped. The very tip of his shoe was poking out from the canoe, clearly visible to a careful observer. _Roy, your plan better work!_, he thought to himself, knowing that he was seconds away from death if it didn't.

The ghost of Shou Tucker then bent over and picked up the bag, and floated back out of the transmutation circle. _"You see?"_ He laughed again. _"I went right into your transmutation circle and nothing happened! I won't mind helping myself to some of the money you left as a trap, though..." _Shaggy heard the sound of a Ziploc bag opening, some crinkling, and then a bloodcurdling scream from the mouth of Shou Tucker. Shaggy assumed that this meant it was safe to step out from behind the canoe. When he did, he gasped at what he saw.


	10. A Bag Of Weakness Their Only Weakness

What he saw was a complete absence of both ghosts and Shou Tucker. There was now a perfectly human man - _or is it a man? _Shaggy thought, _It's wearing female clothing..._ with long black hair, purple-red eyes, black gloves and female clothing. This mysterious bundle of adrogynity appeared to have been completely immobilized the moment it reached into the bag.

The man - or woman - shouted, "IT WAS GARLIC, WASN'T IT? DAMMIT, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! CAN'T SEE A DAMN THING! WHERE ARE YOU, YOU COWARD?" Shaggy, quite frankly, couldn't think of an adequate response to it, but he was spared this awkwardness - Roy and Lt. Yoki both came sprinting up to the scene. "ANSWER ME, YOU SPINELESS BASTARD! WHO'S THAT RUNNING?"

When the two of them had reached Shaggy, Mustang not only smirked but actually laughed. "Hello, Envy, my old friend."

"MUSTANG!" Envy shrieked.

"You're a quick one. For god's sake, Envy, quit screaming, you're making yourself out to be Wrath. With how easily you fell for that elementary garlic-disguised-as-money trick, you're even acting a bit like Greed..." Yoki even chuckled at this, but Shaggy was just confused. Roy turned to him. "Shaggy, this isn't Shou Tucker's ghost, as you can see. This is a shapeshifter named Envy. Because you don't know much about alchemy or our world, I won't go into too much detail, but he's part of a band of seven monsters called Homonculi. As soon as I overheard that the 'ghost' hadn't stayed inside the transmutation circle, I knew that it couldn't possibly have been a real ghost, and our pal Envy here is the only beast I know of that can shapeshift that skillfully."

"Thanks for the compliment, you petulant little fuck," Envy said.

"Envy, don't cuss! There could be children reading, you know," Roy said.

Envy responded, "You're just overflowing with wit tonight, aren't you, Mustang?"

"Look, Envy, I've got a bushel full of garlic and if you don't shut your mouth and let me explain everything in detail to our guest then you're going to be a lot worse off than blind soon," Roy said. Envy went silent immediately. "As I was saying.. When you told me that there was a pile of skeletons, I knew that there was a very good chance it was Envy. Sure, miners died, but the human body doesn't decay that fast. Envy, the sick bastard, has more than enough dead bodies lying around from all the horrible murders he's commited over the years, so I figured they were probably just a few of his past victims so that he could scare people away from the mine. So I gave you this bag of garlic, hoping that he would grab it to either taunt you or just to get some extra money. Garlic, you see, is a Homonculus' one true weakness - any contact will burn them severely, immobilize them, and blind them. If they eat it or touch too much of it, then they'll be dead. That's the only way to kill a Homonculus, you see. Do you have any questions?" asked Roy.

Shaggy was incredibly overwhelmed by all of this information. "So Envy is a shapeshifter called a Homonculus, which you knew because the transmutation circle trick doesn't work on Homonculi, and garlic is their only weakness?"

"That's about everything, yep," said Roy.

Yoki spoke for the first time in this encounter. "I have to say, Mustang.. You and I certainly have had our differences in the past, but I commend you on this. That was absolutely amazing guesswork you did."

Roy smiled. "Why thank you, Lt. Yoki. So, Shaggy, are you confused about anything else?"

Shaggy thought. "Well, just one thing... Why pretend to be the ghost of a dead alchemist? What was the purpose in haunting this coal mine?"

Roy said, "I was wondering that myself.. Well, Envy? Care to explain?"

Envy responded, "Well, if you insist.. It's obvious, though, isn't it? Everyone's heard the rumors about the Philosopher's Stone being buried deep within this mine! I could only get my hands on it if I managed to make everybody else leave this mine, and the best way to do that was to scare them off. So since Shou Tucker was executed here, I decided that impersonating him would be the best way to frighten people, and it was working for a while.. Yes, it's the Philosopher's Stone I was after. And I would have gotten away with it, too! If only it weren't for you meddling kids-"

"-and our stupid garlic?" Roy interrupted, smirking. He then pulled a full clove from his pocket and threw it directly at Envy's face, who screamed in terror, burst into a giant flame, turned into ash, and was gone.


	11. Epilogue

And thus, peace and order were restored to Youswell. Envy was gone, and the citizens of Youswell, be they miners or minors, all understood that it had not really been a ghost that was haunting them. Things returned to normal slowly, as everyone got back to their mining again. In memory of the greatest crimefighter of all, the city council of Youswell opted to have a gigantic golden statue of an erect Roy Mustang erected in the middle of Youswell, made entirely of garlic. However, halfway through construction it really began to stink up the place and just sort of stopped.

Shaggy remembered Roy's tip, and after Yoki had paid Fred and Daphne the fifteen thousand two hundred dollars or whatever the fuck it was, Shaggy approached Yoki and asked how much he had paid Fred. "Why, over fifteen thousand dollars!" Yoki replied. Shaggy, livid, clenched his jaw in downright outrage and stormed off, leaving a bewildered Yoki confused.

Shaggy didn't return to the Mystery Machine with his former co-workers and friends, and instead ran off into the night, searching desperately for the one man who had really tried to help him - Roy Mustang. For days and nights Shaggy searched for Roy. He went to Risembool, Amestris, everywhere. Eventually he came across a town full of upstanding Christian folk. Starving and tired from his search for Roy, Shaggy went into the biggest church he can find and asked a praying priest, "Where am I?"

The priest paused his praying and responded, "Liore, of course. Religious heart of the world. What troubles you, my child?"

"I'm looking for somebody. Who's in charge of this church?" Shaggy asked, to which the priest replied, "Father Cornello, of course." The priest pointed to another man who was preparing a sermon. Shaggy ran up to this man, Father Cornello, and asked him whether he saw a man playing bass. Cornello inquired whether the man to whom Shaggy was referring exuded sheer badasser from every pore of his body and whether the man was likely to have been surrounded by bitches; Shaggy replied that this was all but a certainty. Cornello told Shaggy to go to the next town over, Xerxes, but warned him that it was not so much a town as a ruin as it had been destroyed. Shaggy thanked Father Cornello, took a shot of holy water, and left.

He then went to Xerxes and saw that it had a vibrant glow of prosperity, if one didn't know the definition of any of those words. It was decaying and smelled like decay and was covered in buildings in various stages of decaying decadence. This, Shaggy thought, would be the perfect spot to cut a sweet demo tape, or even better - film a kickass music video. Shaggy had only just thought this thought to himself when he suddenly heard a familiar sound; the strum of a base guitar. Shaggy ran towards the sound, and saw Roy Mustang standing alone, brooding in his own unbridled coolness, playing the bass. Behind him was a tower of flames, and in front of him was a camera.

"Roy!" Shaggy cried out. "Roy Mustang!" Roy looked up.

"Oh, hey, Shag."

"What are you doing here?" asked Shaggy. Roy responded that he was making a music video for his band The Phillystones to show at an upcoming concert, and then asked Shaggy what he was doing. "I searched for days to find you, Roy.. You're the only one who can help me. You were right about Fred and Daphne. They're downright hooligans and they were trying to stiff me and rob me."

Roy nodded, and appeared to be deep in thought. "Well, there's only one thing we can do. We need to sue the balls off of them." Shaggy's face lit up.

And so it was. Shaggy filed a massive lawsuit against Fred and Daphne, with Roy as his lawyer, and the two of them were ordered to pay $250,000,000 in damages and given life in prison. Shaggy was now a multi-millionaire. He bought himself a giant mansion that he saw an ad for in a newspaper.

At first, all was well. He had money and a mansion and he got to meet Roy fucking Mustang. What more could one want? But Shaggy felt a dog-shaped hole in his heart, and an overwhelming loneliness. Until one day, he was sitting on one of his giant mansion's seven balconies, and looked down into the backyard. He noticed something he hadn't spotted before - a two-story doghouse. Shaggy thought of Scooby. He thought to himself that he couldn't be in denial anymore, and that Scooby would want him to move on and get a new dog, a new companion.

So Shaggy went to the best place in the world to find a dog - ebay. He saw an advertisement for a brown great dane who needed a home as he kept getting into his past owner's stash of pot. Shaggy knew this dog - named Senor Woofington, no less - would be an absolutely perfect match for him. So Shaggy paid for the dog via PayPal, and within two to three business days, his dog arrived in a cardboard box.

Jumping out of bed, Shaggy sprinted downstairs and opened up the box and looked inside at his new dog. It didn't look quite like he was led to believe, but it was still cute in an odd way. It was white with long brown hair. He was surprised when it spoke to him. "Can we play, Shaggy?" it asked him.

Shaggy and the dog lived happily forever after.

All was well.


End file.
